As a Christmas treat I’ve discovered a draft version of a book that Robert Greene never released: The 48 Laws of Christmas Power.
Enjoy.
But more importantly: don’t listen to this and go enjoy your Christmas.
If you’re curious, the full draft laws are below. If you want to enjoy them in the epiosde, ignore them.
SPOILER BELOW.
SPOILER BELOW.
SPOILER BELOW.
Maybe you want to spoil it for yourself.
Never outshine the Christmas master
Never put too much trust in Christmas friends but learn how to use Christmas enemies
Conceal your true Christmas intentions (by wrapping them up)
Always say less than necessary (there isn’t much room on the card and it already says merry christmas)
So much depends on your reputation, so give a good Christmas present
Court attention at all costs with the biggest Christmas present
Get others to wrap your presents for you, buy your presents for you and suggest present ideas for you, but then take all the credit
Make other people come to you to pick up their Christmas presents
Always win Christmas boardgames but never argue
Avoid the unhappy people at Christmas and don’t ever try to cheer them up. They are a virus
Learn to keep everyone dependant on your excellent Christmas gifts (DRUGS)
Be selectively honest but always use your Christmas generosity to disarm them of this fact
When asking for help at Christmas always appeal to somebody’s self interest
Pose as a Christmas friend but work as a spy
Crush your enemy’s Christmas presents totally
Use absence of Christmas presents to increase strength and honour
Keep others in suspended terror of your Christmas presents and cultivate an air of unpredictability
Isolation is dangerous so never build a Christmas fortress
Know who you’re dealing with so don’t offend the wrong person by telling them their Christmas present is shit (but if they’re the right person, offend them and see Law 17)
Do not commit to anyone and command respect of your Christmas presents
Play a sucker and always seem dumber than your Christmas presents
Transform weakness into power (I don’t fucking know)
Concentrate your forces (again, I don’t know)
Play the perfect courtier and be good at Christmas charades (not too good though, see Law 21)
Re-create yourself and master your own Christmas image
Always wash your hands a lot at Christmas (keep your hands clean)
Build a cult-like following in your Christmas presents
Enter action with boldness at christmas and always use a thick pen - BOING
Plan all the way to the end of Christmas Day, don’t get caught short
Make your accomplishments seem easy by saying “It was easy” a lot and shrugging
Control the options and get others to play the cards you deal them in all Christmas boardgames — “alter the playing field”
Play to people’s fantasies, but be careful who you try that on and under which mistletoe
Buy each man in the family a thumbscrew and make sure you discover it at some point during Christmas Day, as it is your job to discover each man’s thumbscrew
Be royal in your own fashion. Wear some bling n shit
Master the art of timing — LONG BREAK
Disdain everyone else’s presents you cannot have, call them shit. Ignoring them is the best revenge
Create compelling Christmas spectacles, especially big ones with glass in them that you can put on your face
Think as you like but behave like everyone else
Stir up waters to catch fish — NOT A CLUE
DESPISE THE FREE LUNCH
AVOID STEPPING INTO A GREAT MAN’S SHOES, ESPECIALLY IF HE HAD BIG FEET
STRIKE THE SHEPHERD AND THE SHEEP WILL TRAMPLE YOU
WORK ON THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF OTHERS BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE A HEART SURGEON OR A BRAIN SURGEON (UNLIKELY)
DISARM AND INFURIATE WITH THE MIRROR EFFECT — EFFECT MIRROR THE WITH INFURIATE AND DISARM
PREACH THE NEED TO CHANGE BUT NEVER REFORM TOO MUCH AT ONCE
NEVER APPEAR TOO PREFECT
DO NOT GO PAST THE MARK YOU AIMED FOR ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE THROWING A DART OR OTHER HEAVY BLUNT INSTRUMENTS
ASSUME FORMLESSNESS
The 48 Laws of Christmas Power